Top 10 Characters in Grimbargo:
The Definitive, Objectively-Right List for Which There is No Argument
Have you read Grimbargo by Laura Morrison yet? If not, this book is a deep, comical, tense, bizarre Sci Fi commentary about life and death and humanity and power and science and overcoming problems with poop and monkey parks. I’ll wait while you go order your copy.
Done? No? You just kept reading? You can’t fool me. I’m a wall of sentient text. Yes, that’s a thing.
Seriously, you’re just going to keep scrolling without…
Sigh.
You know what? Fine. We’ll play the game your way. I dare you to make it through this list without needing to own Grimbargo for your very own. I reverse psychology dare you! I don’t think I was supposed to say that last part.
And now, the Top 10 Characters in Grimbargo
10) George Okada
Look, this guy doesn’t really belong on this list, but it’s the least I can do for the pathetic guy. He even got dissed by his food delivery drivers, people. RIP, George. Way to be vital to the story while having virtually no importance to the actual story or anyone in it. Slow clap.
9) Tattoo Artists
Bombshell—a world where no one can die or change has put tattoo artists out of business. An entire hipster industry has been obliterated. How did hipster cities even survive this ink apocalypse, and is life even worth living there? Both coasts must have been completely demoralized. Now that I think about it, it’s possible the tattoo artists all went into the body piercing industry. I’m willing to assume that one is still thriving in the world of Grimbargo. We can take tattoo artists off the list, then. My bad.
9) The cashier at the monkey park
The Kyoto monkey park is the real star here, but even I have to admit a monkey park isn’t technically a character. Except you know what? No. Half the people on this list aren’t people, so you’re just going to roll with it. It’s a monkey park full of monkeys that potentially kidnap human babies to raise as their own. It deserves its place, and I won’t apologize for it.
8) Calypso, the cyborg raven
I’m not going to condescend to you by even trying to explain why a cyborg raven makes the list. Duh.
(Aren't ravens cool? Click on him to learn 100 mind-blowing facts about ravens that will change your life.)
7) Trigger/Gregster
The dude runs a suicide club in a world where people can’t die. That takes commitment, creativity, and a stellar janitorial service. Way to be, Gregster. I can’t slow clap again, because that’s too much, but you’ve earned a slow, knowing nod.
6) Stewie
This man spends his page time in dead silence or being pummeled in ridiculous ways. It’s like the man has a checklist of ways to be blown to bits (like this one), and he is quietly determined to check every box. It’s downright impressive how many times he manages to get shot in a place where guns are outlawed. Jackie is right. He really should have rethought his career path.
5) Lady Airth
This villain is hardcore, people. She has a cyborg raven (already discussed) and has big plans to fix the world through science. She uses phrases like “Our plan…is in danger of being derailed in the eleventh hour.” You have to have a significant level of cool to pull that off. Be honest with yourself. You can’t pull it off. Sure, she’s a psychopath, or, rather, a sociopath, but it’s humanity’s fault, really. Plus, she loves waffles.
4) Dorcas
Sure, she’s not a real person since she’s a persona invented by Jackie, but her extensive backstory puts her on this list, as well as her unfortunate nickname. I don’t know if it’s the addled brain or having to respond to “Dork Ass,” but I have a soft spot for Dorcas.
3) Mysterious Voice
Without spoiling, I present as evidence:
Mysterious Voice: You are now on the run.
Jamie: Weren’t we already?
MV: You are even more on the run now than you were before.
Mic drop.
Wait, hang on. Let me pick the mic back up and see if it’s still working. Ok, good.
Mystery voice’s calm, terrifyingly objective guidance, wealth of information, and use as a voice-activated messaging service make it a much-appreciated addition to the incredibly messed up world of Grimbargo. Mic placed carefully on the table because those things are expensive.
2) Jackie
As a main character, I thought about eliminating both Jackie and Jamie from the list, but I had to give Jackie her nod. I mean, her interviews leave me thinking she’s either secretly brilliant or the worst reporter of all time. And, really, why choose one? Her propensity to call Jamie “buddy” or slap nicknames on people is unmatched in literature. My favorite Jackie quote: “I’m professional as hell.” You keep right on believing that, Jackie.
1) Sachi
Look, I can’t say anything without getting into mega spoilers. Don’t pretend like I don’t know you didn’t bother clicking my links before. You’re not getting any real spoilers out of me. Just trust me when I say Sachi deserves the number one spot, hands down. Ok, I will say Sachi escapes from danger with the power of her poop. Hehe, poop. But, no, I’ve already said too much.
By reading this, you’re now contractually obligated to click my link. Sorry, that’s how the internet works. But you won’t regret owning Grimbargo, so you’ll thank me later.
Slow clap.